Kissing You
by CharlotteJeanF
Summary: Dean's goodbye-letter to Seamus. All events take place during their sixth year.


**A/N: Hey guys! I know this is not the HarryxHermione one, and I'm a bit ashamed having to admit that I'm not even finished yet, but it's going strong and I'll finish it just soon! Pinky promise! **

**So, here's just a short DeanxSeamus drabble I wrote around half past one a.m. to keep you all a bit distracted and give you something to read :-)**

**Oh, and happy holidays!**

**Cheers! **

**Xx**

**Kissing You**

_Dear Seamus,_

_I know that you hate me, but I really do hope you'll read this anyway. (That's why I placed this letter under your pillow – you always put your left arm under it because you think it's comfortable, I guess, and then you drift off to sleep. So I'm pretty sure you'll find it – you and no one else. This is yours entirely, and so am I.)_

_I also know that you believe things happen for a reason, and I decided I'd try to give you good ones. I know it's not much, but it's all I can offer you – it's all that I have._

_I know things went horribly wrong lately. I mean, you and Lavender were always a kind of troubled couple, but when she left you for that bloody Weasley it was quite a shock. You were crying so hard and I just wanted to comfort you because gosh, I really can't stand seeing you that hurt. I knew that whatever I'd say, it wouldn't help, so I just hugged you and held you as tight as possible, hoping that it might help you in some way. But it are tough times, with Voldemort coming back and everything, and I'm just as upset as everyone else and I guess I've just gone bollocks. But you were so close and you smelled like alcohol and Seamus and **home **and I was confused and selfish and brave and you hugged me back and that was when it all started to go wrong. _

_I'm sorry I've never told you, though. I guess I've known that I'm gay for a little while now, and as my best friend in the world you deserved to know that I'm a poof. But I was afraid to lose you because Voldemort is back and soon we'll be losing everything and I was lonely and you were just **there **and I guess that's why it happened._

_I won't apologize for kissing you, though. Those seven seconds where the best of my life – even if the prize is unbearably high. I sit here on my own and I remember how I slid my hands into your hair and bent down and how your lips met mine or mine met yours, who cares, fact is that it was happening and that indeed, **we were kissing**. _

_Your lips were so soft and you tasted like honey and when your tongue touched mine I felt precious and loved and safe and warm and there were billions of silly butterflies in my tummy. God, I really **am **a poof – I sound like a girl._

_Maybe, if I hadn't pulled you closer and kissed you harder and moaned „Seamus..." right into your mouth you wouldn't have pulled away. Maybe we would've just continued with that amazing kiss and things were different now. _

_But in fact, I did moan your name and you just pulled away and stared at me in disgust and shock and I guess you realised what had just happened and hated me for it because before I was able to even say something, you jumped up and ran away. _

_You didn't come back to the dorm that night. I know that because I waited for you the whole time to explain something so things would be less worse. But we never talked to each other ever again._

_You were avoiding me ever since that night and I blame myself for it. Bloody seven seconds. _

_Seven seconds where I was so close to get what I had always wanted. Seven seconds to fulfill my biggest wish. Seven seconds that were like heaven on earth. Seven seconds that ruined everything. _

_It's been two months now and I just can't take it anymore. Two bloody months of being ignored and rejected whenever I try to talk to you, two bloody months without my best and most important friend. Two months of being alone._

_I'm afraid I really can't do this any longer. If you'd bully I'd be okay, because at least you'd be talking to me. But you won't even **look **in my direction. I guess I just can't stomach any more of you avoiding me, because god, it **hurts**._

_Also, I'm a mudblood, and Voldemort grows stronger and stronger. He will find and then eventually kill me, so I have no reason left to live at all. He will kill me – but he can't, if I'm gonna end this today. And be sure I will._

_I know what you'd say now, if you'd still be talking to me. „You are strong and clever Thomas, a hell of a guy, and you, me best friend, bloody well know how to fight!"_

_Well, that might be true, but I don't want to fight when I've nothing left that's worth fighting for. And the image of your shocked face that appears in my dreams every night reminds me that you don't want me to be fighting for you. Don't worry, I won't. I promise._

_So, I'm not gonna stay. I'll end it here and now, the same way you ended almost seven years of the most amazing friendship I've ever had in all my life: all of a sudden and fast._

_Jumping off the Astronomy Tower isn't probably the bravest way to die, but it's the only one I can think of. Cross your fingers it'll be high enough._

_So, I hope I gave you some good reasons now. And I also hope that one day, you'll forgive me. For kissing you, for ruining everything, for being such a coward. _

_I love you, Seamus Finnigan, I really do, with all of my very heart, and kissing you meant everything to me. Thank you for the best seven seconds in my life._

_Your_

_selfish_

_lonely_

_somehow brave_

_heartbroken_

_life-ruining_

_best friend for almost seven years_

_Dean Thomas._


End file.
